Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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