Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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