I want to make a zoo with you.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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