He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
