Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
