she woke up with a sticky ear
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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