I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
