I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
MIDGETS
????
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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