but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
