I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
