Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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