I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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