please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
