As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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