I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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