I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
