I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
