regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
my poor anus
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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