We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I touched a dick in church today
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