Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
