I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
