when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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