Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
