Moan for me like Helen Keller
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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