Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
