After last night, I could never be a politician.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
