He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
