um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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