Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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