My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
