Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
