i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
