Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish you could order shots online.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
