Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Randomize
