A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
sarcasm needs its own font
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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