he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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