She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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