A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
