I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
