I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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