I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
