Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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