so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
