just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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