I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
