would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
