mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Randomize
