i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
