I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
