I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
