you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
