When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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